Make Room (Ocean Blues)
I have been struggling lately... with myself, with my confidence and my abilities. There’s a scripture in Proverbs 18:16 that says, “A gift gets attention; it buys the attention of eminent people.” If I truly believed in “luck” then I’d be led to believe that I have AMAZING luck at times! I’m never in denial that I’m “favored” by a Creator who sits high. Yet my life has been so complex at times I’d also question my so called luck. I went through a series of trauma just in life overall, from rejection from a couple angles/places to not feeling worthy of this thing called life. My favorite quote (I can’t even remember where it came from) is “God keeps sending me love notes in the form of people.” For every person who may have rejected me, mistreated me verbally/emotionally God has sent 10x that number to encourage me, to love me, to embrace me and speak life! I’m coming out of a very “busy” season and I can tell that this next season is very quiet which equates as season of sowing. I don’t like to brag, I don’t like to gloat but I remember a networking event I went to a couple years ago where I was told,”You need to start speaking about all the good you’ve done sometimes! People need to see and know that side of you!” I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve confided in me over the years, from old friends, family, well known rappers, singers, random people I’ve met on this road called life and I hate the cliche saying “I’m so humbled” but I am.
There have been seasons where I had no set income but I’ve NEVER been empty handed. I’ve went years without steady jobs but I’ve NEVER been forsaken. I believe that when you sow good seeds then you will be honored but I never think of that in the process of sowing those seeds because my nature is just to sow. I’m sure of one thing in this life and that’s the fact that I will always be “ok.” Life is hardly ever perfect but for the past year I’ve watched the Creator’s hand LITERALLY guide and direct this path.
Last May the day after I launched my publishing company, I sat on my bedroom floor and cried. I was afraid, I was lonely, I was excited but very confused. My cousin reached out to me that day and asked me how much I needed for a printer that I so desperately needed, I assumed that he was just going to help me out a little. I went to do some errands for my grandmother and came home to an envelope with the full amount! I think I cried for a few days! I’m the only publishing company in my city technically (that’s full service) so my loneliness comes with having no one to network with. Some see that as a blessing as far as money goes because I have no competition but it’s very lonely. I checked the printer off my list and I told God ok now I need a new computer because I started getting clients and my old one wasn’t keeping up. I found myself battling with whether or not to get a part time job because I really had a lot of debt to get out of and money wasn’t coming in fast enough! If you keep up with my journey then you know work/jobs were hard to come by for awhile and that is why I started my publishing company because nobody would hire me. I fasted, I prayed and I started filling out apps, not really sure because I’d been back home for two years with no type of formal job. By July I had a job which turned out to be full time instead of part time.
The income has been a blessing and definitely has helped me to clear up some debt! It’s also been a hindrance to my business and slowed me down from projects I desperately need to finish. My plan was to stay a year, I’ve just hit 6 months and everyday I push myself to keep going.
I miss quiet mornings at my computer, jogs around my block, yoga and being able to cook as a form of therapy (cooking relaxes me). I miss late nights of working at my computer knowing I can sleep until noon but I know that this season serves a purpose and that in order to have the freedom to walk in my purpose and be at peace while creating I have to do this.
It’s 4 am, a migraine woke me up a couple hours ago and the meds have me wide awake. I’ve been trying to write a blog since December!
My initial plan was to write one when I came back from LA after one of the most amazing experiences of my life by the way. I had so many highlights that weekend but one in particular was “accidentally” dropping business cards on the bridge at Santa Monica pier. I felt a kindred connection to the ocean that evening and I felt such a peace. I’d never gotten to see the Pacific and I felt such a “one-ness” with the ocean. There’s a song called “Ocean Blues” and one of the lyrics states: “I wanna sit in the middle of the ocean, I keep my peace of mind, I'm doing fine when I'm all alone...Can't nobody tell me where I can go, WHO I can be!”
I’ve never felt more at peace than when I’m sitting by the ocean. I started off by making the title of this post “Make Room” and I think the subtitle will be “Ocean Blues” for the “little bird” who has poured a lot into my life over the past year. She will probably never read this but I’m grateful for the conversations that made me think, that made me evaluate and make some personal changes. I’m grateful for ALL the people who’ve poured into my life on good days and not so good days. Until next time.- CDJ❤️